head on a zoom

Parent-teacher conferences. Three words that are thrilling to some, terrifying to others. I am a thrill seeker. In this disconnected season, I covet any time I get with the parents of my students. Even when it’s on a screen.

These few days of parent-teacher conferences seem to leave an ache in my heart, corny as it sounds. I can see both the hope and the fear in parent’s eyes, the tenseness in their bodies as they lean forward to catch every word of encouragement that comes their way. I always open with the positive, as we have been trained and done for so many years. The good, the icing that they can enjoy before we get to the center of the cupcake. Which is sometimes harder to swallow.

Being in special education means that you must always finesse the language. You are cloaking your words with smiles and laughter, even when you know that they are hard to hear. That student who has made incremental progress over what seems like endless months. That student whose behavior is interfering with their learning and the learning of others. Behavior plans, the preparation for middle school…still needing special education services. What will that look like?

There are celebrations to be sure. But also disappointing test scores, challenging grade level material and confirming accommodations for state testing right around the corner. (I paused this writing to send an email about that very thing.) 

I attended a conference for a behavior management system many years ago. There was a presentation about how to address the unique needs of students with disabilities and neurodiversity in terms of behavior challenges. I vividly remember the speaker (a grown man who had struggled  both academically and with behavior as a child.) saying something completely disarming about parents of children with disabilities.

He said “ You must always keep in mind when working with these parents,  they are people walking around with a broken heart. They are grieving the life they imagined for their child. They are walking a very different road than the one that they had planned. They are doing their best, but they may not always present as the cooperative, collaborative people you are expecting.”

Now, that is probably not 100% accurate, but that was the gist. This was well before I went into special education, but I never forgot what that gentleman said about those parents. I am sure that it is not true for all, but experience has taught me that it is true for many.

So my main focus for conferences is kindness and compassion. We are all so tired. That time should be an acknowledgement of all that we have been through together, what these people continue to go through as they parent kids with a variety of disabilities and challenges. We are along for the ride, sometimes we even drive the bus, but it is their journey. Adjust expectations accordingly. Be unrelentingly kind, to them and to yourself. 

As my close friend and personal confidante Ram Dass has said:

“We are all just walking each other home.”